January 2024
“Resolved, never willfully to omit anything, except the omission be for the glory of God; and frequently to examine my omissions.” – Jonathan Edwards
This month, I’ve been taking time to articulate some of my spiritual resolutions, using “America’s greatest theologian,” Jonathan Edwards, as my guide. Last week, I used Edwards’ 39th resolution to bolster my own resolution to report my income as a server with full honesty. (You can read that post, on “Reformed Tipping Culture,” here.) Today, I’m focusing on Edwards’ 27th resolution, with the hope that it strengthens my commitment to approaching not just my professional but my personal relationships with full honesty.
In my case and in this season, this resolution comes from recurring reflections on two particular passages from Scripture:
1 Peter 3:15-16: “in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.”
Ezekiel 33:7-9: “So you, son of man, I have made a watchman for the house of Israel. Whenever you hear a word from my mouth, you shall give them warning from me. If I say to the wicked, O wicked one, you shall surely die, and you do not speak to warn the wicked to turn from his way, that wicked person shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand. But if you warn the wicked to turn from his way, and he does not turn from his way, that person shall die in his iniquity, but you will have delivered your soul.”
These verses have been bleeding into my personal conversations more and more. One example strikes particularly close to my heart. Welcome into it:
August 2021
Him: You could be more selfish too, you know. You deserve more for yourself. You’re allowed to voice your selfish needs.
Me: You mean when I’m in a relationship?
Him: In general. You’ve been incredibly selfless when you’re with me.
Me: I dunno what “voicing my selfish needs” would look like. When I’m craving something (whether a food or an experience or whatever), I usually voice it. When I’m genuinely too tired to do something, I say so. When someone upsets me, I work through it in my head until I can express it. So, what sort of selfish needs do you mean?
The only thing that I keep back sometimes is all the pain people inflict when they mock God. When I voice that, it usually makes the situation worse for me, so that’s one I just bear sometimes. That’s a pain I know I’m always gonna carry, but I also know God is sovereign and perfectly just and that pain won’t be in vain. So I’ll be okay there.
Him: Maybe I’m just not used to being with just straight up secure people
I sometimes wondered if you were holding back on some things
Not God related
Me: Can you think of any times you thought that? I can probably remember what was going on if I have an example
I can’t think of a single time (not God related) when I held something back and didn’t end up expressing it to you that same day
Him: I mean, lack thereof kinda made me think ya know
Given that I can usually pick up on things
So I could usually tell if you were feeling something
Months of trying, emotional whiplash, hurt and confusion and anger and silence.
I realize I was thoroughly lying to myself about the potential for things to work out as they were. I resolve to trust God with my life, remembering that God’s will for me will not require that I break his laws. If I have to sin to get it, I don’t want it. (Lord, help me not to want it.) Instead, I want the full rest and contentment that accompany a clean conscience before the LORD.
I pray hard that I will have the heart to forgive as completely as I have been forgiven by God. I pray that I’ll go forward with clearer priorities and enough resolve to live by them.
December 2023
Him: I recognize how ironic and contradictory this is, but I genuinely want to stay friends if that’s possible. I miss being your friend. But boundaries work both ways, so if you think that’s not going to work, then I’ll leave you be.
Me: I’m not sure whether it’s going to / can work, but I wanted to be sure we’re definitely on the same page [about some stuff].
Him: Yeah, of course
Me: So, in my view, the most valuable thing about our potential friendship is that it could be a space for genuine honesty. When people used to ask why I liked you, I’d almost always mention how you challenged me to be a more honest person.
I deeply value honesty, and the thing I still want to work on most in myself is letting go of my fear of telling the *whole* truth, not just the truth.
I still see ways I need to grow in that department, and I dunno about you, but to me that potential is the biggest part of why I’m here considering being friends again. I value the space we’ve started to curate, but I also wanna say that it has a ways to go.
I know you have to grow in that department, too, and I want to say that if we’re gonna be friends and prioritize honesty, I’d like to respectfully ask that we both tell the whole truth. You said yesterday that lying won’t help anyone, and I’d agree with that and then take it a step farther: I think holding back details is also not helpful. If we don’t have all the honest pieces of the story, what’s the point of connecting in the first place?
I feel like when we were trying to hold onto romantic potential, there was higher chance of holding things back (telling the truth but not the *whole* truth) out of pride / self-image protection / fear of judgment or pain…but I’m hopeful that without that pressure, we can be more raw and both gain from the other’s insight and unconditional commitment to hearing out the full story and sticking to the friendship.
Him: Yes, all of that sounds good to me. But Sarah, if you think it’s better that we don’t try to be friends, that’s truly okay. I understand. I don’t want to force you to interact with me simply because I think it’ll be nice to talk to you again.
Me: I admitted I don’t know whether it will / can work, and that was my full-honesty truth. If I were confident it would be better for us to not bother trying, I wouldn’t be taking the time to voice all this stuff.
Do you see the potential for both of us to grow as people by being friends?
Him: Well, that’s my hope too
But this is because you’re a kind person too
Me: Yeah, I’m a kind person, and I’m also a person who’s been really intentionally working on articulating my boundaries and bandwidth limits. I think I’ve grown on that front since last you knew me.
Him: That’s good to hear
Me: Alright then, last novel incoming.
In the name of not just truth but whole-truth honesty. You already know this is one of the major things on the table with me, but I want to be sure it’s clear from the start. *deep breath*
You’ve mentioned several times how you “can’t believe” or “don’t know how” I’m such a kind, empathetic, forgiving person. And I wanna be absolutely sure that it’s clear, if you’ll hear me out: Jesus is the reason for that. It’s not just me as a little bear trying my best and being inherently great. It’s because I believe Jesus is who he says he is and has done what he says he’s done, and that frees me up to be the person I was actually meant to be instead of living in hopeless fear. So, does it seem like a superhuman level of empathy / kindness? It’s because it genuinely is. Pretty straightforward.
You called me a “fanatic” once, and in that moment I received that word from you as a negative. I’ve always kind of felt like you were somehow a bit embarrassed that I actually believe like I do. You’ve pitted my worldview against your “background in academia,” but this is the most thoroughly academic pursuit of my life, and I’m prepared to stand by it.
I mainly say this all because when we talked the other night, and you talked about how deeply you’re not doing well and how you’re just trying to steer yourself clear of the abyss, I was over here thinking I’ve never met someone who more textbook-obviously needs to surrender their pride and their futile attempt to control their life and give it back to the God who made you, knows you better than you know yourself, and loves you even when you want nothing to do with him.
So I needed to make sure I said that really clearly. If I ever shied away from that, I’d be causing you more harm by trying to be your friend while pretending I think it’s okay not to tell you what I’m convinced is the whole truth. Like lying, me being silent there does no one any good.
I’m not ever gonna lecture you about it (as you know from experience, I hope), and you as always will be unconditionally listened to and fully accepted here, but truly knowing me and being my friend includes being around that perspective, being in genuine dialogue with it, and receiving genuine friendly questions / advice from that perspective, too.
This topic is kinda the biggest question mark in my head…like, when you say you miss being my friend, does that include this “fanatic” side of me? Or is that side of me something you prefer to ignore or dismiss as naive? Are you willing to intentionally hear out my full truths on this front, too?
Him: Well, of course. Being your friend includes the whole version. I never felt embarrassed about your faith, just something I couldn’t fully understand for myself. I don’t remember calling you a fanatic, but I apologize for saying so. That was uncalled for and genuinely mean.
Me: Thanks for saying so
Him: Yeah you got it
January 2024
“Resolved, never willfully to omit anything, except the omission be for the glory of God; and frequently to examine my omissions.” – Jonathan Edwards
I don’t know where any of my personal relationships will go in 2024, but I do know that I want each one of them to be marked by honesty. If I have to lie to keep a relationship, I don’t want it.
When I do find myself holding a piece of myself back, I want to examine why and address the situation as I can. I really admire this “reformed and always reforming” side to many of Edwards’ resolutions. It takes into account the inevitability of humans breaking their resolutions and includes steps to get back on track in the resolution itself. There’s great freedom and hope for long-term growth there.
Hopefully one day Jonathan Edwards and I can sit down and have an honest chat about how this resolution went for each of us…
Up next: “Resolved: Never to do anything, which if I saw another do, I would consider a just reason to despise him for, or to think in any way lesser of him.” (Edwards’ 21st resolution)
Detroit, Reformed. 
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